Never Apologize For Who You Are
by YourLovelyMajesty
Summary: Brynn Shepard has been brought back from the dead. She's been busy fighting the Collectors and trying to save the galaxy, again, but never busy enough to fall in love. Entering a relationship with two men was scary enough; telling her mother was a different story. Hours before the Omega 4 relay, Brynn has a lot to tell Captain Hannah Shepard. (Takes place during Mass Effect 2.)


The half bottle of vodka Brynn found in the mess wasn't enough. She stared at the empty bottle on her desk. It was the last quiet night on the _Normandy_ before taking the fight to the Collectors. She should have been enjoying it. Thane and Garrus asked to spend time with her; she almost said yes without thinking. Unfortunately, there was something else she had to take care of.

She sent a message to the _SSV Orizaba_ an hour ago then immediately chugged the contents of the bottle for liquid courage. The vodka did nothing to settle her nerves. Sitting around hadn't helped, either. She knew the captain would be busy and secretly hoped the message wouldn't be read until too late. She didn't look forward to the conversation yet she wanted one last memory in case the operation went pear-shaped.

The computer on Brynn's desk flashed with an incoming video message—no, a live call. The _Orizaba_ got her message, after all.

Brynn sat up in her chair and smoothed her hair. Maybe she should change out of her tank top and sweatpants. Would a uniform be too formal? Was she too informal? She wasn't part of the Alliance, after all.

With a deep breath, Brynn answered the call.

The screen projected a face she knew well. Fair skin, blond hair, green eyes; she remembered every detail. The only surprise was a few creased lines near her mother's eyes and along her forehead. Brynn saw her just two years ago. Had she looked worn then?

Hannah Shepard smiled and her age seemed to fade away. "Commander," she said, her deep voice full of motherly warmth. "You should have mentioned this was a pajama party call."

Brynn gave an identical smile. While her hair was loose and her pajamas shabby, Hannah's hair was tied back and she wore simple fatigues. Either the _Orizaba_ was in their night cycle or Hannah had anticipated the intimate nature of the call.

"Looks like you got the memo just fine, Captain," Brynn replied. Her heart beat frantically in her chest. She was thrilled to see her mother for the first time in years. "It's good to see you, Mom."

"You too, baby. What took you so long? I hear my daughter is alive through Alliance brass and you don't have the time to send your mom a note?"

"It's been a, uh, crazy few months. Being brought back to life was exhausting and scary enough, and then I had all this Collector business. I wasn't going to contact you until I knew I was myself."

"And do you feel like yourself?"

Brynn looked at her hands. She was a skeleton with muscles and flesh, but there was something new under her skin now. Something that made her nearly invincible. She wasn't sure yet if she liked it.

"I think so," Brynn said quietly. "Sometimes I worry I'm a shell with false memories, sometimes I wonder if the real Brynn is out there doing better than me." She looked up at her mother and offered a weak smile. "But there's only one of me, right? There will always only be _one_ of me."

"What does that mean? Are you okay, honey?"

She didn't want to open the conversation like this. She should have spaced out the vodka; it always made her emotional. "Miranda Lawson—my XO and the woman who saved me—she let me have some files about the procedure. It's amazing what they did . . . but not every piece of me could be revived." Brynn touched her stomach. The pain was still fresh as if she read the reports yesterday, not weeks ago. "I can't have children. They did their best. Miranda was just as upset. I'm sorry, Mom."

Hannah was silent.

Suddenly Brynn hated the distance. She wanted her mom to hug her and tell her everything would be fine. The lifelong dream of being a mother, of raising a baby on a starship like she had been raised, was stripped away by one fatal accident.

"It's okay," Hannah said after a moment. "It's okay, honey. I can't imagine what it feels like, but a few organs won't stop you from being a mother. There are so many options out there. You'll find one that's good for you. I'll help you. Everything will be okay. You're a Shepard."

Brynn nodded. The pressure in her chest released in the form of a single tear that she quickly wiped away. It wasn't the end of the world. Of course there were options; options she had to consider anyway with her choice of partners. The topic of children had been thrown around loosely, jokingly, each time bringing a pang to her chest. She couldn't tell Garrus or Thane the truth yet. But there were options. And who was to say she would survive long enough for children? She hoped she would—however it happened.

"Does Lance know?"

Lance was a different problem entirely. "He doesn't know I'm alive. I don't know where he is or if I want to send him a message. He might not believe it's me after seven years. Not much of a marriage, right?" Brynn tried for a smile and failed. She wanted to contact Lance, of course, but she was too scared. It had been so long. With N7 training, special ops work, her reports being redacted after the Citadel, and dying—well, she wouldn't believe anyone could survive that, either. She still loved him but she hoped, after seven years, he had moved on and found someone to make him happy. But somehow she couldn't bring herself to find out.

"So as far as your husband knows, you died in that attack. Brynn, you need to sit down with him, tell him everything that's been going on."

"I know, I know. I'm just scared right now. When everything is said and done I'm going to find him. What did the public report say, anyway? An attack or—"

"Malfunction," Hannah said, the disgust clear in her voice. "Except for certain brass and myself, you're dead to the public. I'm still getting interview requests. Apparently the public needs to know why I haven't prepared a memorial instead of respecting my privacy."

"A simple malfunction killing the great Commander Shepard." Brynn shook her head. "Lance would be so disappointed. But the Alliance can't be covering up too much of my movements, right? I've done interviews. I've been to the Citadel, had my Spectre status reinstated, and I've been all over Omega and met Williams on Horizon. That detail wasn't leaked from the report?" She had never known Ashley to skip on details or cover up the truth.

"Anderson spoke to me about that. Your help on Horizon was conveniently forgotten."

Brynn shrugged. "I understand. I'm working with Cerberus now."

"Why don't you tell me exactly what you're doing with them," Hannah said. There was nothing accusatory or upset in her tone. Just as when Brynn was younger and made trouble, her mother just wanted to understand.

Brynn started at the beginning when she first woke up from her two year nap. She explained the Illusive Man's theories and concerns, then the Collectors, and gave an Alliance-issue detailed report of her chase to get rid of the Collectors for good. Her crew, her time planetside, even everything that happened on Omega; Brynn unloaded it all. Despite the vodka working through her veins, she kept a single detail to herself. Maybe she was an emotional mess but she wasn't ready to admit her feelings.

Long after Brynn finished, Hannah sat with what was known as her "captain's face." Brynn recognized it as the way Hannah mulled over important information. Brynn waited and wished the vodka bottle would refill itself with something stronger.

Finally Hannah replied, "I see why you wanted to talk. I didn't know so much was going on. Thank you."

"I guess I just needed a pep talk, to finally unload all of this to someone who would believe me. I _think_ I can do this, but now I know I can. I plan to come back, Mom. There's a lot waiting for me."

"I already know. You're not telling me something."

Brynn couldn't look her mother in the eye. She felt sixteen and guilty instead of thirty and in control of her life. Hannah Shepard would never be described as a bigot but Brynn was still nervous about admitting she was seeing two men, both aliens, especially while she was still legally married—legally dead, of course, yet legally married. What if Hannah changed her mind? What if she was disappointed?

"Brynn?" Hannah prompted. "Whatever it is, I'm here for you, baby."

"I know. It's just difficult to talk about. You didn't raise me to be sheltered or anything but—"

"What's one of my rules for life? Never apologize for who you are."

It was the advice the Shepard women lived by. It helped Brynn join the Alliance, to push herself to excel; it helped her realize she could step away from work to enjoy her honeymoon. It helped her say yes to N7 training while being newly wed. It helped her accept the role as Spectre. It helped mold her into the competent woman she was today.

"I'm seeing someone. _Two_ someones. I don't want to put too much faith in it; all of this could be because of the stress of the mission." Brynn smiled shyly, thinking of the men waiting for her. "But I think it's the real deal."

Brynn held her breath until her mother smiled.

"You never told me about this," Hannah said, the scolding tone only a joke. "Where are they? Who are they? Can I meet them yet?"

"You're not upset?"

"Why would I be upset?"

"Because I'm still legally married and I'm seeing two other men at the same time?" The situation never escaped her; there were slurs for women like herself. But she had control of her life. She already promised she would find the solutions after dealing with the Collectors.

Hannah tapped her chin. "Do the men you're with now know about each other?"

Brynn nodded. It was their idea to tackle polyamory and so far everything had been fine.

"Do they know about Lance?"

"Kind of? Sort of? I mean, it's difficult."

"Lance still believes you're dead. Well," Hannah said with a sigh, "I won't lie, it's a tough situation. Technically if you're dead, Lance is a widow, but I didn't raise you to be a liar. If you're serious about these men you shouldn't lie to him. Be fair to everyone involved. Divorce Lance if you think that's what's right. Either way, you need to let him know you've moved on."

"That's the problem, Mom. I don't know if I really have."

"Everyone holds onto their first love somehow. I can't help you with this one—it's your life, it's your decision. Just do what makes you happy, alright? Now, can I at least get some names?"

"You won't find them in the Alliance database." Brynn laughed.

"Damn, foiled already." Hannah chuckled. "I just wanted to know for curiosity's sake."

The permanent fear in Brynn's chest eased with her mother's laughter. Why was she afraid? She had never been self-conscious about anything, clinging fully to her mother's motto. Why should her love life be any different? As long as she was happy; as long as the people she loved were happy. That was what mattered to her.

Brynn pulled her legs up into the chair, wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on her knee. "Garrus Vakarian and Thane Krios."

"Vakarian? Isn't that a member from the first Normandy?"

"The one and only. Except this time I found him on a station making life miserable for some mercs."

"And this Krios?"

"He's a sniper, like myself, and also previously married. Very spiritual. He's a drell that grew up in the Compact. His empathy is something else."

"A drell?" Hannah blinked in surprise. "That's unusual. I thought they didn't venture past their ocean."

Brynn shrugged. "He's an asset to my team. I don't question what designs brought him here."

"Or what brought you and Garrus back together. Kismet," Hannah answered.

"I guess it was luck."

The spell was broken by Joker's voice coming over the comm unit. "Two hours until the relay, Commander. Are we really going through with this?"

Staring at her mother, Brynn felt a moment of doubt. The Omega 4 relay wasn't a rogue Spectre; it wasn't something she could kill with detached precision through her scope. She couldn't say what would happen but she knew what she had to say. What Commander Shepard had to say.

"If we don't do it, no one else will. We have to take the fight to the Collector's front door for all the colonies lost. I trust you to get us in and out, Joker."

"As long as the evil relay cooperates," he replied with an edge. "I'll hold course, let you know when it's time. Joker out." The comm clicked off.

Silence spread between Brynn and her mother. Hannah Shepard sat in her own quarters, light years away, but Brynn had never felt closer. Just minutes ago she was cursing those light years; now she was comforted. Although she had scenarios to run and she wanted to spend time with Garrus and Thane, she didn't regret calling. Sometimes it was nice to be Brynn instead of the persona she built in N7 training: the immovable Shepard.

With her mother, she could do that. She could stop being strong, catch her breath, and get an expert opinion. No matter what Captain Hannah Shepard was doing, no matter where she was, she always had time for her daughter.

"That wasn't my daughter just then," Hannah said. "You should've been honest with him."

"I was. Joker is the best pilot I've ever seen."

"I meant, are you ready to do this?"

Brynn laughed before she could stop it. "No. A million times no. I'm scared, Mom. But this is my duty, I have faith in my team, and no one else is going to do this. We've come this far. I can't give up now."

"I could meet you out there. Give me the coordinates. I promise I'll be there before you go through."

"I can't ask you to go AWOL," Brynn said. "I'll be fine. I'm surrounded by good and talented people. There's even a justicar aboard. If we can't do this, who can?"

Hannah closed her eyes briefly. A short prayer? When she opened them again, the concerned mother was replaced with the steadfast captain. "I understand. I'm sending you with all of my luck and I expect a call when the dust settles."

Brynn already had a message composed and scheduled to automatically send in two days. Hopefully she could cancel it.

"Aye, aye, captain," Brynn said with a sharp salute, chin still on her knee. "I'll be careful."

"I'll leave you to your preparations, then."

"Hey, Mom?" Brynn unfolded from the chair to sit up straight. "Thanks for talking. I love you and I'll see you soon, okay?"

Hannah winked. "I'll buy a round for your entire crew."

They shared a laugh and Hannah moved to end the call.

"I love you, baby girl. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, Mom. I'll call again soon."

The screen went blank.

Brynn sat back in the chair and sighed, stretching her legs out in front of her. Why did she feel restless? She still had so much to do but right now she wanted action. She didn't want to wait; she wanted to end the Collectors immediately. The quicker she did it, the sooner she could see her mother. Hearing her mother's approval made Brynn feel fuzzy, like maybe she could introduce Thane and Garrus to her. Maybe one day. Before then, she had to talk to Lance.

Pushing thoughts of the future aside, she focused on the present and sent her men a message over their omni-tools. Maybe she could spare some time going over attack plans, but until they were through the relay, no one knew what to expect. And without a plan that left only one other option: spend time with her loved ones.


End file.
